While I went to an accredited institution of higher learning, I wasn’t a fraternity guy. I was more of a get high in the shared suite bathrooms and listen to Mobb Deep guy.
Pre- post- and during college I was also a watch TV a lot guy and watching a lot of TV you come across a lot of shared storylines — on sitcoms especially. One old evergreen for comedies that at some point feature characters in college is that of the “bring an ugly person to the frat house” party — a regular character, usually among the more nerdy or “homely” (by Hollywood standards anyway), in the cast gets put in the position of being the invited guest after being unexpectedly flattered by some Brad or Chad or other erstwhile “serious” actor playing a 20-year old in their late 30s while wearing a random tripling of Greek letters on their sweater.
Continuing on, the homely regular gets hip at some point during the party while seeing the other uggmos who’ve also been invited, get upset and run out while the Brad or Chad starts to feel bad about their role in the deception, the regular learns of the true ugliness that can be housed in so-called people of status and beauty and they gain a character-building experience that allows them to grow and actually gain more confidence as a young adult.
If you’re still not sure where I’m going here you haven’t read this column much this season, you may not have read much Bill Simmons over the years either.
If the everlasting intersection of pop culture and sports teaches us anything its that the moral lessons contained in so many classic hours of entertainment made for the masses stop short when extrapolated onto the playing field of the most enduring mass entertainment: pro sports.
To be an uggmo in the NFL only allows you to be invited to one particular party week after week — the party where you should learn more about yourself and be strengthened in the end, but in the arena of competition being homely, unfocused and unskilled only gets you clowned on again and again, one choreographed celebration after the other, to the tune of 31-3.
The Chicago Bears can only compete with the likes of Cleveland and San Francisco for biggest uggmo in the NFL but while those two teams got off some moves with their partners Sunday and exhibited some sort of perverse interest beyond the wondering of why they belong on any major television transmission week after week, the Bears didn’t even provide that much.
In losing to the Philadelphia Eagles, the very best team in the League right now — it’s current “Chad” –, the Bears just mostly stood there, being laughed at, being posed on, being clowned by some 60, 70-000 Eastern Pennsylvanians, Southern New Jersians and other unfortunate people who can at least brag on how damn better their team is than the one claimed by that overrated city to the West, somewhere beyond Ohio they guess.
You can’t learn anything when you keep committing the same mistakes, keep keeping the same people in charge who don’t know what to do in their positions, keep asking the same inexperienced competitors to turn on a switch in an unfamiliar room while blindfolded. Nothing’s coming on that way — not any self-awareness, not any boost in character and damn sure not any laugh tracks, not that they are needed anywhere, except for most the houses in the Chicagoland area that even bothered tuning in Sunday afternoon.
It’s not that the typical Sunday afternoon viewing options are that inspiring anyway, typically they are only those same storylines played out over and over again in syndication. Even in football you get a lot of the same ‘ol over and over.
But in comparing the Bears’ first 8 games to their last 3, we all saw a lot more of the convenient surprises that make watching familiar TV so easy to do in those first 8 games — the Bears made us feel encoraged to follow their story, they didn’t always come through, not even most the time, but they showed enough to make you think next week would pay off.
Today’s effort was one worthy of an early camcellation. Who wants to watch a performer that can’t make you laugh, can’t laugh at themselves and can’t make you appreciate the act of laughing by anyone?
Some performer once said to always leave them wanting more. The Bears have mastered that, along with leaving us wondering why we came to them in the first place.
The Reason For The Title
In initially thinking up this recurring column, an early idea for its format was picking out three interesting stats or other numbers from the game and going on about them. Here’s 3 numbers with not much going on about them.
0 — Reflecting what people will probably go on most about regarding the Bears in this game — no first downs in the first half, took some time in the third to get one. Doesnt really matter when, I wasn’t really watching by then.
Teams who don’t get any first downs in a half don’t win, so the Bears were bound to do such a thing in the John Fox era. You would have thought they’d actually done it 5 or 6 times already.
6 — Rushing yards, for the game, from a team averaging 132 yards a gamd entering Sunday. The Bears have a top-10 rushing attack but they had to attack the NFL’s best rush defense in the Eagles.
Would have been nice to see the Bears get as much of what Philly usually gives up, 71 a game, but that probably would have took some sort of passing attack that didn’t rely on interceptions and immediate fumbles to get first downs.
250,000 — The number, in American currency, that former Bear Alshon Jeffrey earned in addition to his current contract with the Eagles by scoring his seventh touchdown of this season.
Of the many people clowning the Bears on Sunday, AJ had the best time clearly and unless you’re in straight spiteful meatball mode, how can you be mad at him?
Definitely, the Bears and Jeffrey had to mutually separate by the end of 2016 but we’re talking the NFL here — franchises hold most if not all the leverage in most player interactions. Jeffery messed up with performance enhancements and not being in shape or being out of sync but most of his trangressions were simple wide reciever sins.
I’d think if you’d ask most Bears fans who’d they trade from this current team and staff to have Air Jeffrey back in the fold, you’d likely have two solid “no’s” in Mitch Trubisky and Jordan Howard, the rest would be up for grabs.
But alas, our former friend from South Carolina has a new team to keep him warm and satisfied. A true winner of the 2017 cuffing season, Jeffrey will remain active well into 2018 while his former mates can get an early start on their new year resolutions.
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