Season Preview: Breaking Down the Chicago Bears — The WARR Way

WGN-TV Martellus Bennett, Kyle Fuller and a host of other Bears, mid-scuffle, during the Chicago Bears' most infamous run-in during this year's training camp.

WGN-TV
Martellus Bennett, Kyle Fuller and a host of other Bears, mid-scuffle, during the Chicago Bears’ most infamous run-in during this year’s training camp.

A nice, neat Google search for “chicago bears 2014 season preview” turns up some 70,500,000 results.

You can turn over your sofa cushions and find a handful of prognosticators giving you their respective road maps back to the Super Bowl or their doomsday theories. Here at WARR.com, we’d rather size up which Bears we bother to scrap with.

Hypotheticals make the world go round, so in the first two segments of our ongoing season preview for the Monsters of the Midway — expect future segments each Thursday for the following three weeks — we’re putting ourselves in the mix regarding the most prevalent storyline of the Bears’ training camp, which fortunately concluded this week with no season-ending injuries, no switch blades flashed nor any trunks popped.

Below, our guys D and Davis give you their lists for five Bears they’re not trying to see physically at all and five that they’d give it a shot at, if for no other reason than to release long-held frustrations at said player.

With that said, we at We Are Regal Radio do not endorse getting into fights with pro football players at all. Don’t blame us if you get a little too full one night on Rush Street and you spot Kyle Long and the feeling comes over you because he happened to miss a block against the Lions. This is all for entertainment purposes only, and when you’re actually in them streets as oppose to the safe embrace of the internet, do like D always says to wrap up the show — “keep ya hands to yaself!” — ed.

5 Bears I Don’t Want to Fight

Jared Allen

Have you ever had to face an opponent in your local rec league that just played like a wild man! Whenever that opponent makes a great play he puts on an elaborate celebration, such as pretending that hes tying up farm animals in front of everyone. Now imagine that off-kilter opponent being pissed at you and in his eyes you suddenly appear as a wild goat and he looks down with the rope in his hands. Would you want to fight that dude!?

I think the answer is no. Well, that wild man now plays for the Chicago Bears and we are all lucky he’s still in the NFL and not in any rec league of ours.

Shea McClellin

The worse kind of man to fight is a paranoid man. Shea, a former 1st round pick by the Bears three years ago, has been moved to a new position on the defense while sports critics in Chicago has called this man everything from a bust to useless. McClellin had to have spent half of training camp looking over his shoulder in fear of someone taking his job, he is that kind of guy right now who when you tap on his shoulder he turns around, fists up and body squared up to fight with pure craze and fear in his eyes. Some quick advice: leave those kinds of dudes alone.

Kyle Long

When I see Kyle Long, the first thing that pops into my mind is, “By Any Means Necessary.” A nasty offensive lineman is one man you don’t want to cross, first off, they are MASSIVE human beings. Secondly, the guy was able to make himself into a first round draft pick after playing just one year of college football. If you don’t think he doesn’t have either a crazy mean streak or one hell of a motor you may lack the sense needed to avoid a fight with this guy.

Martellus Bennett

The Black Unicorn! Do you really want to fight with a brother who names himself that. That alone lets you know he is on a different planet than everyone else. Exhibit B of Bennett’s other-worldliness? Recently being suspended for giving Bears rookie Kyle Fuller a WWE body slam just for doing his job! You my boy, Marty!!

Chris Conte

There may not be a better fuel for a man than revenge. In Conte’s case he is coming off his worst season as a Chicago Bear, no one had trust in him when he was on the field last season in the team’s defensive backfield.

Now back with in action after missing most of the spring practices, Conte on his first day back he said he was looking to prove a lot of people wrong. I hope he sees everyone as if they are rocking a Packers jersey and wants to knock off heads from shoulders, as long as he can remain seeing me in Bears blue and orange. Go get ’em Chris!

— Demonze “D” Spruiel

 5 Bears I Do Want to Fight

Full disclosure: Kyle Means, our editor-in-chief, put me up to this. I’m way too grown to think of dudes I want to fight, and we all know why……..THEY DON’T WANT IT!

Jared Allen

Okay, this dude is agile and angry plus strong with a high motor. In other words — you have to take his ass out immediately. He seems pretty cool though, like we’d have a beer after the fight… but back to the strategy.

Allen’s high motor means you have to put his ass out quick. You don’t want to go into the deep water with this dude, he’ll out last you, you have to hit him with some quick combos, so quick he doesn’t know what hit him, all he knows is he is dizzy and on his ass. Then you choke him out (this is bad, ahahahha.) Allen then has to go night night — he is not going to let you beat him up and walk away — it’d be best for him to sleep on it and (maybe) come back later with a happier disposition.

USATSI Go head, tell this man you wanna fight. This is what he'd likely do.

USATSI
Go head, tell this man you wanna fight. This is what he’d likely do.

Martellus Bennett

Martysaurs is huge and athletic but I would do this for the Bears, I would do this for tradition. Olin Kruetz, in his bullying prime, would have taken Bennett deep in the shed. Now it is left up to me to step in and administer justice.

I shall provide the discipline for this jokester and bring peace to the Bears locker room. Unlike Allen, taking Bennett deep is an advantage for his opponent. With his imposing size I’m sure most don’t try Bennett at all or they give in early after he gets his hands on them — not I, wearing him down is my objective. Tire Bennett out then beat the s… out of him (why did I have to write this? For all complaints, message Kyle Means @Wrk_Wrt on Twitter.) You’d have to embarrass Bennett to rule the day, that way he won’t risk a rematch to save what face he has left.

Kyle Fuller

Why? Cause Marty beat me to it. I and only I administer Bears beatings, no one else. The kid needs to be have to toughened up anyway, he needs to work on his “popbackupspin” move techniques, you just can’t receive a take down like he did and not pop right the hell back up like “Who the hell done it?”

You’re in the Chi now, K-Full. Code of the streets, we don’t play that. I would just knock Fuller out, head up, fist to jaw — he blinks, he sleeps…..Davis.

Kyle Long

Beast of a man. The reason behind any beat down of Long? Howie stopped making movies.

There’s no reason, with such theatrical treasures as Broken Arrow and FireStorm, that Howie should have left as much meat on the action movie bone as he has. You telling me they found a spot for Kelsey Grammer in “Expendables 3,” but nothing for the elder Long? Something must have went awry in their house, I must punish his son for this.

As we’ve seen during his rookie season, Kyle is easily incited and excited. I’d just steal off his ass then run, bend a couple corners before he can figure out which way I went and then BAM… chair to the head. Hey, I didn’t hear anyone say “no weapons,” shoot, we’re talking about NFL players here.

Chris Conte

Why? For disrespecting the foundation Bears great Gary Fencik left for white defensive backs. Conte has way too much talent to get so down on himself as he does, he needs me to bring his confidence to the surface. This may take a dog walking (for anyone that is not in the know, no dog will be involved, just a severe lesson.) This needs to be done in front of the entire team.

As I picture it, just as I go in for the final blow Phil Emery rushes in and karate chops me to the neck. Who knew he was the Shogun? Phil then reaches his hand out to Conte like Marty McFly’s dad did towards McFly’s mom after knocking out Biff. Now after engaging in battle, the GM and the player he most feels grateful that he didn’t draft see eye to eye and Conte turns into this generation’s Jason Sehorn. You’re welcome guys.

Honorable mention: Jay Cutler

Because I’ve always loved Cutler, from Vandy to his time with the Broncos. When he was first reported to come here he was a savior and well, we’ve seen where that plan has gone. Now that he has a real offensive line in front of him, I just want him to SET HIS DAMN FEET!

Do that, Cutler, and maybe you won’t have to watch your back this season.

— Ken “I Goes There” Davis

Follow Regal Radio on Twitter @regalradio1 and on Facebook under Regal Radio; Follow D on Twitter @demonze1, Ken @ThatsDavis and The D and Davis Show @DAndDavisShow

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3 responses to “Season Preview: Breaking Down the Chicago Bears — The WARR Way

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