As we creep up on tonight’s NBA Draft, one thing is clear in this event which is dripping with with potential drama — LeBron James wants a young point guard for the Miami Heat.
As the 2014 draft season comes to its conclusion tonight, another thing is clear — teams like to draft former Texas A&M stud quarterback Johnny Manziel, no matter how long its been since he’s played the sport you draft him for, or if he’s ever played it at a respectable level.
Drafting Johnny “Insert Sport Here” is one of the rising trends in sport now, its a source of cheap, click-getting headlines (*wink*) and easy segments for TV programmers and it also plays into America’s ever-lasting infatuation with fantasy sports. Who wouldn’t want to imagine an athlete of such physical ability and charisma trying his hand at as many physical feats as possible?
Manziel is today’s sports obsession, lets make sure it lasts by connecting him to as many teams in as many sports as possible, starting with the most polarizing team in the NBA:
Miami Heat — So, LeBron wants a PG, right? Why not bring on his boy, Johnny Fastbreak? Manziel has copius experience running a team, doing so from the most captain-fortified position in sports, quarterback in football. Manziel can easily translate his abilities to dictate tempo, call plays and distribute the ball excitingly while running point for the Heat.
Also, its clear that Bron is a star fucker, right? In drafting Manziel, Miami is drafting someone whose star power actually rivals the King, you’d have to think that’d make him put aside all that silly Clippers business. Plus, he can jump just about as good as Wade at this point.
Given the fact that Miami also doesn’t mind playing guys for sections of seasons (Dwayne Wade and Rashard Lewis both come to mind), this team would be perfect for Deion Sanders-like season rationing. Manziel obviously will be occupied with football — when not taking money selfies — from July through December, and only December because he’s playing for the Browns. .
By New Years Eve, Manziel will be off the PJ at the private runway at Miami International and making a b-line to Liv to get to know his new teammates and the party can really begin. That is unless…
Cleveland Cavaliers — We get the real potential story of this NBA Draft — Manziel going No. 1, not in the sport of his choice, but in the sport where he’s most needed, in the place where he’s already been accepted and has the chance to rise to demigod status with the least bit of success. He can work out of the same schedule he would with the Heat, but if he’s really ambitious (and we know he is), he’ll let his obligations overlap in total.
I’ve ridden through Cleveland, its not that hard to get around and we know the stadiums are close to each other, the practice areas are probably also in the same abandoned industrial park or something.
Look, Embiid is brittle as hell, Parker and Wiggins are both nice potential all-stars, but we all know Cleveland is going to lose anyway…they might as well do so with as much style and unwarranted media attention as possible, that means one person — Johhny Franchise Saver.
USA Soccer — Johhny Futbol can be put in the mix right away for the World Cup. If this world was just he’d be landing in Recife, Brazil right now to join the Yanks in time for Germany, not long after handing Browns coach Mike Pettine one of these.
Team USA looks fantastic overall in this latest cup, they’re likely headed to the knockout round and may stand to make their greatest Cup run, but the excitement would be at a fever pitch if Manziel was there and he and Drake were taking meme-ready photos with Clint Dempsey.
Washington R*dsk*ns — Manziel has already agreed to his rookie deal with the Browns, but if anyone could switch teams prior to even playing one down in the NFL it should be Johhny Free Trade Agreement.
Thinking of Manziel in D.C. has all types of tantalizing ideas in my head. Washington is a team already with all-world athleticism and maximum headline pull represented by Robert Griffin III and DeSean Jackson, they’re already a team optimized to score among the best in the NFL, Manziel would be right at home with them.
Yeah, Manziel wants to be a quarterback, but if anyone can come in and steal some snaps from RGIII I’d think it would be his fellow Texan. Plus, they can both reminisce on how stupid Mack Brown was for not really believing in either one of them.
Think of how shook opposing defenses would be in game planning for both those guys on any given week, on any given play the Washington football club could get 70 yards on you, even if they start from the opponent’s 20 they could rack 70 just on some bullshit.
And most importantly, put Manziel in this franchise and the whole name change thing becomes elementary — Washington becomes the Washington Money Team, word to Floyd an’ nem.
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